Remember…?

This post was originally titled ‘Untitled’. As I was typing it out and adding a new part, I figured out a name. This post is about remembering the tiny moments with that one person who brightens your day, even if they don’t know it.  I’m going to put this spoken word poem thing under a cut since it is kind of long. 

I Told Someone….

And it feels good.

A friend of mine asked me last night for relationship advice, and while we were talking, trying to help him, I told him about how I like one of my awesome guy friends (the one I keep posting about) and I feel bad. Which, he pretty much has the same dilemma.

But it’s nice that I finally told someone. Feels like I don’t have to keep hiding it, someone knows and I can talk to them about it.

Hopefully it doesn’t come back and bite me in the butt….

Questions

Some of the questions I want to ask, but never (more than likely) will.

Did you really think I didn’t know?

What’s going on between you two? Does she make you happy? Have you made a move?

Are you happy?

How are you?

Was there ever a chance between us?

Will there ever be a chance or should I give up hope now?

If I had told you how I felt that day, would you have said the same? Or would I have just been embarrassing myself?

Just some questions floating through my mind. But will (probably) never ask you. Which is probably for the best quite honestly. I don’t want to ruin our friendship.

Hello End of the Year Funk

Well, close to the end of another school year. How quickly it goes by and I wish it would just all slow down.

Like tonight. I took a break from studying to go up and visit some friends, since I figured they wouldn’t be doing much, just hanging out. They were, so I spent 2.5 hours up there, watching them play League of Legends, not understanding a word they’re saying, reading my book and just enjoying being with them because I really haven’t seen them much at all this semester. It felt nice.

Nights like these I don’t want to leave. Because I know here, I have people around me that accept I’m quiet and know I’ll sit there and laugh while they play games, but also interact when they aren’t off in LoL land. I know they like me. They’re safe. These are also the friends that I hung out with half of spring semester last year and got really close to, so I had the same problem last year. I’m terrified of moving off campus and loosing this connection I have with them, just because we won’t be living across campus or two floors away from each other. It’s scary. Because I love them to death.

Just thoughts from tonight. Growing up is a pain. But it must be done.

Also I woke up to twitter updates from my friend who is very important to me, so I’ve been worried about him all freaking day. It was nice to see him tonight though. But something definitely felt off. We’ll see how it turns out.

“Dreams can come true if believed”

A year ago I went to my first open mic night on my campus, at the urging of some friends, and because a good friend was performing. (The song he performed contains the title of this post.)

Point is: I just went to the last open mic of the year and it got me thinking about this past year and how much has changed. Mostly all in good ways. But this will probably (definitely) end up as an open letter. About him. Go figure.

This past year has been absolutely amazing and I have loved every second of it. Honestly, I’m going to miss this dorm room and my roommate from this year, because she’s one of the most awesome people ever.

And then there’s him. I can’t help but feel all I’ve done is fall even more in love with him (I’ve given in to the fact that I love him, what else could it be?) because he’s always on my mind and every second I start to feel like I’m getting over him, he appears and I fall right back down that rabbit hole. Every time I hear a song that we’ve sang together in his car, at the top of our lungs, any time I listen to the secret playlist I have of music he’s sang or reminds me of him. It all leads back to him in a way I feel.

Everytime I hear a guitar strumming softly, hear the clanking of his bag as he enters or leaves the dorm, going up to his room or leaving, the sound of a longboard hitting the pavement as I wander campus. Heck, the sound of a longboard going by. I hope every time that it’s him, and I can’t find a way for me to let go and move on. I just keep getting sucked back in.

I mean, yes I would love if something happened between us one day, maybe that’s what keeps me hanging on, that tiny ember of hope, but it’s not fair to anyone around me. I feel like everyone knows, possibly even him, just no one says anything. So I keep waiting. For nothing it seems. So why?

Just thoughts from tonight thinking about the year that’s passed and all the crazy things that have happened.

Growing Up Is Scary

Just in case you didn’t know.

I’m currently trying to find an apartment, land an internship, and figure out what I want to do with my chosen major. So yeah, it’s starting to get to me. I feel like I’m constantly getting asked, “What’s next?” and all I want to reply with is, “Sleep.” But no one wants that to be the answer.

Every time someone decides to not ask a question about the above, it’s about what I’m doing in school, which currently is a ton of projects since it’s near the end of the semester and all. I’m just trying to get everything done so I can get to summer and focus on other, more fun, things.

When I do stop to think about my future, I get scared and try to distract myself. But it’s always looming. I just don’t know at this point. I hope I get the internship so that I have a better idea of what I want to do with my life, but if I don’t, I don’t know what I’ll do over the summer honestly.

Hopefully I’ll figure it all out in time. And that pieces fall correctly.

Happy

That’s what you seem now. I have never seen you happier.

I really hope it’s not all an act or cover up. But I don’t think it is. It’s too genuine.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep pursuing your dream of becoming an actor. You have people behind you supporting you every step of the way. All the ups and downs. Every audition. Every role. No matter how small.

I know I’ll always be there supporting you. I’m so proud of you. Always and forever.

Are Titles Good?

Or labels, or anything defining us to a certain group or making us feel a certain way?

Because sometimes they make us feel like nothing.

Because really, what is “normal”? Something made up by society so we don’t feel like we’ll ever fit in, ever? Was there ever a normal?

I don’t know, but I wish all labels would just disappear, they just make life difficult.

That was kind of a lead in for the rest of this, but all are things to consider.

I know about your, well let’s just call it a blog. I guess that’s what it’s like to you. A place for you to vent, where no one you know will see it. But I know about it.

What do I have to do to get it through your head how important you are to me? If I have to straight up tell you I will, even though I’m terrified that it’ll push you away from me.

The other night when we were out and you were so happy that you “did this. I brought all these people together to have fun and eat,” god, I was so proud of you for discovering how important you were to people and that people like being around you. Seeing you smile and laugh and acknowledge that fact was so nice, it made me so happy to see you that way.

And then this post. One day, hopefully not too late, I will tell you that you are the only person that cheers me up when I’m having a bad day, how important you are to me, that I’m with you through whatever, that I will support you til the end. One day.

For now I’ll just keep being here for you when you need me and being a friend. Maybe one day you’ll know.

Almost

I almost told you everything last night. That I love you, that I worry about you, that you’re one of the most important people in my life. Almost.

Seeing you so happy, the happiest I’ve seen you in a while, just because you brought together a group of people to go out to eat together. The fact that that made you so happy, made me happy. I just wanted to hug you and tell you that you’re awesome.

Especially when you were there for a mutual friend with me when she really needed people to talk to. Seeing you in that situation just made me love and respect you even more, seeing how you handled it.

I almost told you everything because your energy is infectious and seeing you happy makes me very happy.

Almost. If I’m not careful, one day it will all just slip out in a breath, or I’ll say it louder than I mean too under my breath and you’ll hear me accidentally. Or maybe I’ll link you to this blog, so you can read everything I’ve written about you.

Maybe. Almost. So many words, but none definite.

I’m 6 Different Kinds of Crazy…

When it comes to you.

Don’t you know by now that I would stay up til 3 am for you to make sure you’re okay, even if I was almost asleep at 11? One text from you and I’m wide awake, wanting to talk, make sure you’re okay, make you laugh possibly, be there for you.

I just worry, because of who you were a year ago. Granted you now and you a year ago are completely different people, but I love the person you are now (and then. Who do you think I fell in love with?) and I just want to make sure you are okay, because of a year ago.

I care about you, I love you, and I just don’t want to lose you.

You’re too important to me to lose you. That’s why it can seem I care too much about you.