Blood Pressure and Heart-aches

He’s not mine, and I don’t know if he ever will be.

But dang if it doesn’t hurt

When that picture was posted

And the way you smile at her

(even though it was back in October),

Makes me wonder:

 

Have we ever looked at each other like that?

We must have,

at some point,

otherwise people never would have asked

“Are you together?” so many times.

 

I have to get over this stupid, stupid

stupid crush.

Because you never will be mine that way;

however, we still love each other,

and want each other happy.

And that’s what really counts.

(Even if my blood pressure doesn’t agree)

What is this feeling?

I’m so completely and utterly terrified of how I feel about him and to screw it all up. Because I have never felt this way about anyone ever before. I haven’t even told him, but he knows. I know he does. I just don’t know when to say it; I’m such a stickler for the perfect moment that I want it to be the best possible moment when neither of us are stressed or worried about something else, which means it could continue to be months from now. Or, you know, I’ll sleepily mumble it one night when I’m at his place and falling asleep in his arms.

I just don’t want to screw this up, and I want to show him that I’ll put him first and what he needs first, just to make him happy and to make sure he knows he’s loved by me.

Feelings

I’m terrified of my feelings for him.
How I want to be around him all the time, even if it’s just sitting in the same room as him in silence.
How just thinking about him makes me smile and blush. Not to mention glancing at him while he’s not paying attention (and getting caught. Oops).
How everytime I stop and start thinking about how I feel towards him, I get choked up and overwhelmed and I just want to tell him, but I’m terrified of giving that part of myself to him. Because I want this to work so badly, I’m scared of messing it up. I think we both are.

Maybe…

Maybe the person, the “One,” you’re supposed to be with isn’t your best friend or the guy who you’re had a crush on for forever. Maybe you’ll take a chance with them and it’ll fail, but hopefully you’ll still remain friends with that person.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s the guy you never even suspected, the one who came out of no where, the one you had no intentions of dating, the one who you start talking to and everything seems to fit. They understand you, they poke fun at you, and you’re totally comfortable with them.

Maybe that’s who you’re supposed to end up with in the long run. The one who becomes your best friend as you grow together and challenge each other.

Maybe…

I Told Him…

I told him I was proud of him today. It was totally random, but we finally got a chance to actually talk and catch up a bit and he told me about some changes he’s making.

I was so overwhelmed all I could do was put my hand on his shoulder and tell him I’m proud of him, for so many reasons, but I’m so proud of him.

And you know what? He responded with “I’m proud of me too.”

That sentence means everything and shows how far he’s come in the 2 years I’ve known him. I can’t wait to see where he goes next. He’s going to have a great adventure and is going to do great things.

I just know it.

Fleeting Stare

Last night, I swore you knew
The way we locked eyes, and didn’t look away
The way I held onto you
As we both swayed closer, and not away

But then I remembered:
You were high and she was there.
So that moment we shared?
Nothing more than a fleeting stare.

Home

Someone I’ve only known a year and a half, almost two years.

Someone I’ve only hugged almost as many times as I have fingers.

You shouldn’t feel like home.

But last night, that hug we shared, you did. Everything felt right and safe. Not to mention the fact how tightly we both held on. It’s like neither of us wanted to let go, let it end.

And that scares me.

I Have This Thing….

Where I get insanely proud of my friends when they’re doing something they love. I’ve had it since middle school.

For example, if I have a friend who’s performing on stage, no matter what the performance is, I’ll just sit there when they go on and just grin like an idiot because I’m in awe of their talent and how natural they are on stage. I love it.

I love seeing people do their thing and obviously enjoying it, even with all the rough parts. But seeing their expression on opening night and seeing how proud they are, it’s wonderful to see.

Thank Heavens

I am finally getting over the person I’ve been in love with for a year and a half. I don’t know what happened, but one day I realized it was slowly fading away. Last time I saw him, I didn’t instinctively track his every move. It was weirdly unsettling since I’ve been so used to doing it without realizing; when I wasn’t, it was very noticeable to me.

Maybe it is the fact he smokes most of the time. Maybe it’s the fact I know (and have known) that he likes another girl and I’m rooting for them, because it’s obvious how much he likes her. Maybe it’s because it’s that I hardly see him anymore.

Whatever it is, I’m almost glad. Because I feel free now. in a weird way. Now that I’m not constantly wondering what he’s doing, or analyzing every move and interaction we’ve ever had, a weight is gone and I feel lighter in a way. So now I can just focus on seeing if this friendship is worth having, and just being a friend. Which is awesome.

I’m free to be me. And that’s an excellent start.

Thinking Out Loud

I totally blame Ed Sheeran for the cause of this post. He released his video for Thinking Out Loud today and it’s just so beautifully shot, so fitting for such a beautiful song.

So today I’ve been thinking about our dance. The only slow dance I’ve ever had actually. But darn it, it was so worth the wait. “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” came on, you were heading to sit down, and my thought was, “I may never get this chance again, why the hell not. Ask him to dance idiot.” So I marched over to you, bowed and asked you for that dance. Much to my surprise, you accepted, took my hand, and followed me onto the floor. And we danced. The proper way, with your hand on my waist and holding my other hand. Talking and just being there, in that moment, with each other. I still treasure that memory, and those photos that were taken, especially the one where I’m smiling at you like you’re the best thing on this planet.

I don’t know if it’ll ever happen again. Maybe it was just a random coincidence that you said yes. Maybe you liked me, but couldn’t tell me, so you danced with me instead. I’ll probably never know, because I never plan on asking.

Back to the song at hand! The first time I heard Thinking Out Loud, my first thought was of a slow dance. The song is just perfect for it. And the video fits perfectly. I started daydreaming about us maybe dancing to this one day, just in a living room or possibly another dance. One of the many daydreams I have that will probably never happen. But I wish, god do I wish. Maybe one day I’ll just be so fed up I’ll just confess everything to you. Probably won’t happen, because I’m so scared of messing up what we have, but thinking of the possibilities is fun.

Like last weekend in the corn maze. Only people left in it and the crazy thought crossed my mind to tap you on the shoulder and kiss you, cheek or lips, wasn’t sure. But the rational side of me woke up and told me it was a dumb idea and I could screw everything up.

Maybe one day I’ll get over the fear.

For now, I’ll keep making up scenarios and remembering the moments we have had, however insignificant to you they may have been. But then again, I’ve always read too much into things…right?

“People fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand. Well me I fall in love with you every single day, and I just want to tell you I am…Maybe we found love right where we are”