Ramblings

What is this feeling?

I’m so completely and utterly terrified of how I feel about him and to screw it all up. Because I have never felt this way about anyone ever before. I haven’t even told him, but he knows. I know he does. I just don’t know when to say it; I’m such a stickler for the perfect moment that I want it to be the best possible moment when neither of us are stressed or worried about something else, which means it could continue to be months from now. Or, you know, I’ll sleepily mumble it one night when I’m at his place and falling asleep in his arms.

I just don’t want to screw this up, and I want to show him that I’ll put him first and what he needs first, just to make him happy and to make sure he knows he’s loved by me.

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Lessons I've Learned

Every Teen Cliché

I’m pretty sure I’m in love with my best friend. Which is great and all, but he doesn’t know.

I also have a boyfriend.

That isn’t him.

And so begins every teen romance book that involves a confused girl stuck between her boyfriend (who she loves, but not the same) and her best friend.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and he’s wonderful and everything, but there’s just something different about my best friend and how we act. I feel like I’m more relaxed around him than my boyfriend some days. Which then makes me feel like I’m not worthy of either of them and I feel bad.

It probably doesn’t help that 2 days after I decide that me and my best friend won’t date anytime soon because of reasons beyond my control, my current boyfriend confesses that he likes me and asks me out. And I said yes. Because it’s easier to get over someone if you have someone else to like too, right?

That’s what I thought. But then school started back and ‘m with my best friend all the time, he’s always hanging out in my room and vice versa; meanwhile, my boyfriend is in another town. I never cheated on my boyfriend, but the he was still worried that I still liked my best friend (cause he knew I liked my best friend by the way I talked about him). Which I have been denying. But the thought in my head is, “I think I might be in love with my best friend, which is totally a thing that cannot happen right now because of reasons.”

And then he just randomly stops by all the time, just to say hi, or just to come and sit and avoid going to his room because he has said he likes it better in our room then up in his room. Which I (obviously) do not have a problem with, most of the time. And it always turns into this talking and laughing event where nothing gets done, but I love it. Nothing is better. It makes my day when he stops by and talks, even if it is for a short amount of time. Not to mention that on days where I really don’t want to deal with people, he’s the only one I want to see, and when I do, my mood completely turns around.

Long story short: I’m not really sure what to do. I guess only time will tell.

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