Lessons I've Learned, Ramblings, Uncategorized

Thank Heavens

I am finally getting over the person I’ve been in love with for a year and a half. I don’t know what happened, but one day I realized it was slowly fading away. Last time I saw him, I didn’t instinctively track his every move. It was weirdly unsettling since I’ve been so used to doing it without realizing; when I wasn’t, it was very noticeable to me.

Maybe it is the fact he smokes most of the time. Maybe it’s the fact I know (and have known) that he likes another girl and I’m rooting for them, because it’s obvious how much he likes her. Maybe it’s because it’s that I hardly see him anymore.

Whatever it is, I’m almost glad. Because I feel free now. in a weird way. Now that I’m not constantly wondering what he’s doing, or analyzing every move and interaction we’ve ever had, a weight is gone and I feel lighter in a way. So now I can just focus on seeing if this friendship is worth having, and just being a friend. Which is awesome.

I’m free to be me. And that’s an excellent start.

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Open Letters, Ramblings

Thinking Out Loud

I totally blame Ed Sheeran for the cause of this post. He released his video for Thinking Out Loud today and it’s just so beautifully shot, so fitting for such a beautiful song.

So today I’ve been thinking about our dance. The only slow dance I’ve ever had actually. But darn it, it was so worth the wait. “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” came on, you were heading to sit down, and my thought was, “I may never get this chance again, why the hell not. Ask him to dance idiot.” So I marched over to you, bowed and asked you for that dance. Much to my surprise, you accepted, took my hand, and followed me onto the floor. And we danced. The proper way, with your hand on my waist and holding my other hand. Talking and just being there, in that moment, with each other. I still treasure that memory, and those photos that were taken, especially the one where I’m smiling at you like you’re the best thing on this planet.

I don’t know if it’ll ever happen again. Maybe it was just a random coincidence that you said yes. Maybe you liked me, but couldn’t tell me, so you danced with me instead. I’ll probably never know, because I never plan on asking.

Back to the song at hand! The first time I heard Thinking Out Loud, my first thought was of a slow dance. The song is just perfect for it. And the video fits perfectly. I started daydreaming about us maybe dancing to this one day, just in a living room or possibly another dance. One of the many daydreams I have that will probably never happen. But I wish, god do I wish. Maybe one day I’ll just be so fed up I’ll just confess everything to you. Probably won’t happen, because I’m so scared of messing up what we have, but thinking of the possibilities is fun.

Like last weekend in the corn maze. Only people left in it and the crazy thought crossed my mind to tap you on the shoulder and kiss you, cheek or lips, wasn’t sure. But the rational side of me woke up and told me it was a dumb idea and I could screw everything up.

Maybe one day I’ll get over the fear.

For now, I’ll keep making up scenarios and remembering the moments we have had, however insignificant to you they may have been. But then again, I’ve always read too much into things…right?

“People fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand. Well me I fall in love with you every single day, and I just want to tell you I am…Maybe we found love right where we are”

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Ramblings, Uncategorized

“I wanna scream I love you from the top of my lungs…”

“…but I’m afraid that someone else will hear me”

– The (Shipped) Gold Standard – Fall Out Boy

How can you admit to yourself that you love someone, yet you can’t accept it? Am I making excuses? Is it because I found the one thing about him that bugs me, the one thing that started after I met him that probably isn’t changing anytime soon? But I know if he stopped, I (might, probably, if I have one of those stupid brave moments) would tell him how I feel and risk it all, just because he would then be pretty much the guy I dream of.

All I know is that I want to tell him I love him and I’m proud of him, but I’m scared too because I’m afraid it’ll cross the invisible line we have established or it’ll make things weird between us.

But I do and I am. Just need to tell him…somehow. One day.

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Uncategorized

And one day I’d like another sky.

This is what I needed to read right now.

HANNAH BRENCHER

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In the 26 years, 1 month, and 7 days that I’ve been alive, the universe has afforded me one Tinder date. Just one. And that’s probably due to the amount of mental energy it takes to give yourself the sort of pep talk before a first date that looks like this: “Okay, he has sent me a selfie. I’ve heard his voice. There is a person who exists beyond the screen. I will not be Catfished. I will not be murdered. We will meet in a public place. And we can just lie to people and say we met in Aisle 7 if this all works out. Okay… we’re doing this. We’re really doing this.”

Alas, after that one date, the Gods of Tinder never showed their faces to me again. And I’ve retired from the game. And then un-retired. And then re-retired again.

As a sidenote to those who don’t…

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Ramblings

Remember…?

This post was originally titled ‘Untitled’. As I was typing it out and adding a new part, I figured out a name. This post is about remembering the tiny moments with that one person who brightens your day, even if they don’t know it.  I’m going to put this spoken word poem thing under a cut since it is kind of long. 

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Uncategorized

You’re Not a “Plan B” Kind of Girl

ASHLIN HORNE

DeathtoStock_Spring7You deserve better than someone who is afraid to commit to you. It may seem like enough for now. You’re just taking things slow. Oh, how I know those little phrases of “one day” and we just need time.

You believe them.
And I’ve believed them.

But you’re not a plan B kind of girl.

You need to know that you’re not the invisible one standing in the back who gets chosen last.

You’re the girl who the team captain will be frantically hoping doesn’t get picked by someone else before he gets a turn. You’re a first-pick kind of girl. And no one worth having sits back and lets those girls wait around.

‘Cause every good man knows that the good ones get gone fast.

He should be jumping out of his skin in anticipation to call out your name and say “I pick you.”

“But he’s…

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