Open Letters, Ramblings, Writings

Blood Pressure and Heart-aches

He’s not mine, and I don’t know if he ever will be.

But dang if it doesn’t hurt

When that picture was posted

And the way you smile at her

(even though it was back in October),

Makes me wonder:


Have we ever looked at each other like that?

We must have,

at some point,

otherwise people never would have asked

“Are you together?” so many times.


I have to get over this stupid, stupid

stupid crush.

Because you never will be mine that way;

however, we still love each other,

and want each other happy.

And that’s what really counts.

(Even if my blood pressure doesn’t agree)


I Told Him…

I told him I was proud of him today. It was totally random, but we finally got a chance to actually talk and catch up a bit and he told me about some changes he’s making.

I was so overwhelmed all I could do was put my hand on his shoulder and tell him I’m proud of him, for so many reasons, but I’m so proud of him.

And you know what? He responded with “I’m proud of me too.”

That sentence means everything and shows how far he’s come in the 2 years I’ve known him. I can’t wait to see where he goes next. He’s going to have a great adventure and is going to do great things.

I just know it.



This post was originally titled ‘Untitled’. As I was typing it out and adding a new part, I figured out a name. This post is about remembering the tiny moments with that one person who brightens your day, even if they don’t know it.  I’m going to put this spoken word poem thing under a cut since it is kind of long. 

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Life, Ramblings, Writings

Hello End of the Year Funk

Well, close to the end of another school year. How quickly it goes by and I wish it would just all slow down.

Like tonight. I took a break from studying to go up and visit some friends, since I figured they wouldn’t be doing much, just hanging out. They were, so I spent 2.5 hours up there, watching them play League of Legends, not understanding a word they’re saying, reading my book and just enjoying being with them because I really haven’t seen them much at all this semester. It felt nice.

Nights like these I don’t want to leave. Because I know here, I have people around me that accept I’m quiet and know I’ll sit there and laugh while they play games, but also interact when they aren’t off in LoL land. I know they like me. They’re safe. These are also the friends that I hung out with half of spring semester last year and got really close to, so I had the same problem last year. I’m terrified of moving off campus and loosing this connection I have with them, just because we won’t be living across campus or two floors away from each other. It’s scary. Because I love them to death.

Just thoughts from tonight. Growing up is a pain. But it must be done.

Also I woke up to twitter updates from my friend who is very important to me, so I’ve been worried about him all freaking day. It was nice to see him tonight though. But something definitely felt off. We’ll see how it turns out.

Life, Open Letters, Ramblings, Writings

“Dreams can come true if believed”

A year ago I went to my first open mic night on my campus, at the urging of some friends, and because a good friend was performing. (The song he performed contains the title of this post.)

Point is: I just went to the last open mic of the year and it got me thinking about this past year and how much has changed. Mostly all in good ways. But this will probably (definitely) end up as an open letter. About him. Go figure.

This past year has been absolutely amazing and I have loved every second of it. Honestly, I’m going to miss this dorm room and my roommate from this year, because she’s one of the most awesome people ever.

And then there’s him. I can’t help but feel all I’ve done is fall even more in love with him (I’ve given in to the fact that I love him, what else could it be?) because he’s always on my mind and every second I start to feel like I’m getting over him, he appears and I fall right back down that rabbit hole. Every time I hear a song that we’ve sang together in his car, at the top of our lungs, any time I listen to the secret playlist I have of music he’s sang or reminds me of him. It all leads back to him in a way I feel.

Everytime I hear a guitar strumming softly, hear the clanking of his bag as he enters or leaves the dorm, going up to his room or leaving, the sound of a longboard hitting the pavement as I wander campus. Heck, the sound of a longboard going by. I hope every time that it’s him, and I can’t find a way for me to let go and move on. I just keep getting sucked back in.

I mean, yes I would love if something happened between us one day, maybe that’s what keeps me hanging on, that tiny ember of hope, but it’s not fair to anyone around me. I feel like everyone knows, possibly even him, just no one says anything. So I keep waiting. For nothing it seems. So why?

Just thoughts from tonight thinking about the year that’s passed and all the crazy things that have happened.

Life, Writings

Growing Up Is Scary

Just in case you didn’t know.

I’m currently trying to find an apartment, land an internship, and figure out what I want to do with my chosen major. So yeah, it’s starting to get to me. I feel like I’m constantly getting asked, “What’s next?” and all I want to reply with is, “Sleep.” But no one wants that to be the answer.

Every time someone decides to not ask a question about the above, it’s about what I’m doing in school, which currently is a ton of projects since it’s near the end of the semester and all. I’m just trying to get everything done so I can get to summer and focus on other, more fun, things.

When I do stop to think about my future, I get scared and try to distract myself. But it’s always looming. I just don’t know at this point. I hope I get the internship so that I have a better idea of what I want to do with my life, but if I don’t, I don’t know what I’ll do over the summer honestly.

Hopefully I’ll figure it all out in time. And that pieces fall correctly.

Lessons I've Learned

Every Teen Cliché

I’m pretty sure I’m in love with my best friend. Which is great and all, but he doesn’t know.

I also have a boyfriend.

That isn’t him.

And so begins every teen romance book that involves a confused girl stuck between her boyfriend (who she loves, but not the same) and her best friend.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and he’s wonderful and everything, but there’s just something different about my best friend and how we act. I feel like I’m more relaxed around him than my boyfriend some days. Which then makes me feel like I’m not worthy of either of them and I feel bad.

It probably doesn’t help that 2 days after I decide that me and my best friend won’t date anytime soon because of reasons beyond my control, my current boyfriend confesses that he likes me and asks me out. And I said yes. Because it’s easier to get over someone if you have someone else to like too, right?

That’s what I thought. But then school started back and ‘m with my best friend all the time, he’s always hanging out in my room and vice versa; meanwhile, my boyfriend is in another town. I never cheated on my boyfriend, but the he was still worried that I still liked my best friend (cause he knew I liked my best friend by the way I talked about him). Which I have been denying. But the thought in my head is, “I think I might be in love with my best friend, which is totally a thing that cannot happen right now because of reasons.”

And then he just randomly stops by all the time, just to say hi, or just to come and sit and avoid going to his room because he has said he likes it better in our room then up in his room. Which I (obviously) do not have a problem with, most of the time. And it always turns into this talking and laughing event where nothing gets done, but I love it. Nothing is better. It makes my day when he stops by and talks, even if it is for a short amount of time. Not to mention that on days where I really don’t want to deal with people, he’s the only one I want to see, and when I do, my mood completely turns around.

Long story short: I’m not really sure what to do. I guess only time will tell.