Ramblings

What is this feeling?

I’m so completely and utterly terrified of how I feel about him and to screw it all up. Because I have never felt this way about anyone ever before. I haven’t even told him, but he knows. I know he does. I just don’t know when to say it; I’m such a stickler for the perfect moment that I want it to be the best possible moment when neither of us are stressed or worried about something else, which means it could continue to be months from now. Or, you know, I’ll sleepily mumble it one night when I’m at his place and falling asleep in his arms.

I just don’t want to screw this up, and I want to show him that I’ll put him first and what he needs first, just to make him happy and to make sure he knows he’s loved by me.

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Ramblings

Feelings

I’m terrified of my feelings for him.
How I want to be around him all the time, even if it’s just sitting in the same room as him in silence.
How just thinking about him makes me smile and blush. Not to mention glancing at him while he’s not paying attention (and getting caught. Oops).
How everytime I stop and start thinking about how I feel towards him, I get choked up and overwhelmed and I just want to tell him, but I’m terrified of giving that part of myself to him. Because I want this to work so badly, I’m scared of messing it up. I think we both are.

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Ramblings, Writings

Maybe…

Maybe the person, the “One,” you’re supposed to be with isn’t your best friend or the guy who you’re had a crush on for forever. Maybe you’ll take a chance with them and it’ll fail, but hopefully you’ll still remain friends with that person.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s the guy you never even suspected, the one who came out of no where, the one you had no intentions of dating, the one who you start talking to and everything seems to fit. They understand you, they poke fun at you, and you’re totally comfortable with them.

Maybe that’s who you’re supposed to end up with in the long run. The one who becomes your best friend as you grow together and challenge each other.

Maybe…

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Ramblings

Home

Someone I’ve only known a year and a half, almost two years.

Someone I’ve only hugged almost as many times as I have fingers.

You shouldn’t feel like home.

But last night, that hug we shared, you did. Everything felt right and safe. Not to mention the fact how tightly we both held on. It’s like neither of us wanted to let go, let it end.

And that scares me.

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Open Letters, Ramblings

Thinking Out Loud

I totally blame Ed Sheeran for the cause of this post. He released his video for Thinking Out Loud today and it’s just so beautifully shot, so fitting for such a beautiful song.

So today I’ve been thinking about our dance. The only slow dance I’ve ever had actually. But darn it, it was so worth the wait. “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” came on, you were heading to sit down, and my thought was, “I may never get this chance again, why the hell not. Ask him to dance idiot.” So I marched over to you, bowed and asked you for that dance. Much to my surprise, you accepted, took my hand, and followed me onto the floor. And we danced. The proper way, with your hand on my waist and holding my other hand. Talking and just being there, in that moment, with each other. I still treasure that memory, and those photos that were taken, especially the one where I’m smiling at you like you’re the best thing on this planet.

I don’t know if it’ll ever happen again. Maybe it was just a random coincidence that you said yes. Maybe you liked me, but couldn’t tell me, so you danced with me instead. I’ll probably never know, because I never plan on asking.

Back to the song at hand! The first time I heard Thinking Out Loud, my first thought was of a slow dance. The song is just perfect for it. And the video fits perfectly. I started daydreaming about us maybe dancing to this one day, just in a living room or possibly another dance. One of the many daydreams I have that will probably never happen. But I wish, god do I wish. Maybe one day I’ll just be so fed up I’ll just confess everything to you. Probably won’t happen, because I’m so scared of messing up what we have, but thinking of the possibilities is fun.

Like last weekend in the corn maze. Only people left in it and the crazy thought crossed my mind to tap you on the shoulder and kiss you, cheek or lips, wasn’t sure. But the rational side of me woke up and told me it was a dumb idea and I could screw everything up.

Maybe one day I’ll get over the fear.

For now, I’ll keep making up scenarios and remembering the moments we have had, however insignificant to you they may have been. But then again, I’ve always read too much into things…right?

“People fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand. Well me I fall in love with you every single day, and I just want to tell you I am…Maybe we found love right where we are”

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Ramblings, Writings

I Told Someone….

And it feels good.

A friend of mine asked me last night for relationship advice, and while we were talking, trying to help him, I told him about how I like one of my awesome guy friends (the one I keep posting about) and I feel bad. Which, he pretty much has the same dilemma.

But it’s nice that I finally told someone. Feels like I don’t have to keep hiding it, someone knows and I can talk to them about it.

Hopefully it doesn’t come back and bite me in the butt….

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Ramblings

Almost

I almost told you everything last night. That I love you, that I worry about you, that you’re one of the most important people in my life. Almost.

Seeing you so happy, the happiest I’ve seen you in a while, just because you brought together a group of people to go out to eat together. The fact that that made you so happy, made me happy. I just wanted to hug you and tell you that you’re awesome.

Especially when you were there for a mutual friend with me when she really needed people to talk to. Seeing you in that situation just made me love and respect you even more, seeing how you handled it.

I almost told you everything because your energy is infectious and seeing you happy makes me very happy.

Almost. If I’m not careful, one day it will all just slip out in a breath, or I’ll say it louder than I mean too under my breath and you’ll hear me accidentally. Or maybe I’ll link you to this blog, so you can read everything I’ve written about you.

Maybe. Almost. So many words, but none definite.

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