Ramblings

What is this feeling?

I’m so completely and utterly terrified of how I feel about him and to screw it all up. Because I have never felt this way about anyone ever before. I haven’t even told him, but he knows. I know he does. I just don’t know when to say it; I’m such a stickler for the perfect moment that I want it to be the best possible moment when neither of us are stressed or worried about something else, which means it could continue to be months from now. Or, you know, I’ll sleepily mumble it one night when I’m at his place and falling asleep in his arms.

I just don’t want to screw this up, and I want to show him that I’ll put him first and what he needs first, just to make him happy and to make sure he knows he’s loved by me.

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Ramblings

Feelings

I’m terrified of my feelings for him.
How I want to be around him all the time, even if it’s just sitting in the same room as him in silence.
How just thinking about him makes me smile and blush. Not to mention glancing at him while he’s not paying attention (and getting caught. Oops).
How everytime I stop and start thinking about how I feel towards him, I get choked up and overwhelmed and I just want to tell him, but I’m terrified of giving that part of myself to him. Because I want this to work so badly, I’m scared of messing it up. I think we both are.

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Ramblings, Writings

Maybe…

Maybe the person, the “One,” you’re supposed to be with isn’t your best friend or the guy who you’re had a crush on for forever. Maybe you’ll take a chance with them and it’ll fail, but hopefully you’ll still remain friends with that person.

Maybe, just maybe, it’s the guy you never even suspected, the one who came out of no where, the one you had no intentions of dating, the one who you start talking to and everything seems to fit. They understand you, they poke fun at you, and you’re totally comfortable with them.

Maybe that’s who you’re supposed to end up with in the long run. The one who becomes your best friend as you grow together and challenge each other.

Maybe…

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Ramblings

Home

Someone I’ve only known a year and a half, almost two years.

Someone I’ve only hugged almost as many times as I have fingers.

You shouldn’t feel like home.

But last night, that hug we shared, you did. Everything felt right and safe. Not to mention the fact how tightly we both held on. It’s like neither of us wanted to let go, let it end.

And that scares me.

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Writings

I Have This Thing….

Where I get insanely proud of my friends when they’re doing something they love. I’ve had it since middle school.

For example, if I have a friend who’s performing on stage, no matter what the performance is, I’ll just sit there when they go on and just grin like an idiot because I’m in awe of their talent and how natural they are on stage. I love it.

I love seeing people do their thing and obviously enjoying it, even with all the rough parts. But seeing their expression on opening night and seeing how proud they are, it’s wonderful to see.

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Lessons I've Learned, Ramblings, Uncategorized

Thank Heavens

I am finally getting over the person I’ve been in love with for a year and a half. I don’t know what happened, but one day I realized it was slowly fading away. Last time I saw him, I didn’t instinctively track his every move. It was weirdly unsettling since I’ve been so used to doing it without realizing; when I wasn’t, it was very noticeable to me.

Maybe it is the fact he smokes most of the time. Maybe it’s the fact I know (and have known) that he likes another girl and I’m rooting for them, because it’s obvious how much he likes her. Maybe it’s because it’s that I hardly see him anymore.

Whatever it is, I’m almost glad. Because I feel free now. in a weird way. Now that I’m not constantly wondering what he’s doing, or analyzing every move and interaction we’ve ever had, a weight is gone and I feel lighter in a way. So now I can just focus on seeing if this friendship is worth having, and just being a friend. Which is awesome.

I’m free to be me. And that’s an excellent start.

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