Thank Heavens

I am finally getting over the person I’ve been in love with for a year and a half. I don’t know what happened, but one day I realized it was slowly fading away. Last time I saw him, I didn’t instinctively track his every move. It was weirdly unsettling since I’ve been so used to doing it without realizing; when I wasn’t, it was very noticeable to me.

Maybe it is the fact he smokes most of the time. Maybe it’s the fact I know (and have known) that he likes another girl and I’m rooting for them, because it’s obvious how much he likes her. Maybe it’s because it’s that I hardly see him anymore.

Whatever it is, I’m almost glad. Because I feel free now. in a weird way. Now that I’m not constantly wondering what he’s doing, or analyzing every move and interaction we’ve ever had, a weight is gone and I feel lighter in a way. So now I can just focus on seeing if this friendship is worth having, and just being a friend. Which is awesome.

I’m free to be me. And that’s an excellent start.

Thinking Out Loud

I totally blame Ed Sheeran for the cause of this post. He released his video for Thinking Out Loud today and it’s just so beautifully shot, so fitting for such a beautiful song.

So today I’ve been thinking about our dance. The only slow dance I’ve ever had actually. But darn it, it was so worth the wait. “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” came on, you were heading to sit down, and my thought was, “I may never get this chance again, why the hell not. Ask him to dance idiot.” So I marched over to you, bowed and asked you for that dance. Much to my surprise, you accepted, took my hand, and followed me onto the floor. And we danced. The proper way, with your hand on my waist and holding my other hand. Talking and just being there, in that moment, with each other. I still treasure that memory, and those photos that were taken, especially the one where I’m smiling at you like you’re the best thing on this planet.

I don’t know if it’ll ever happen again. Maybe it was just a random coincidence that you said yes. Maybe you liked me, but couldn’t tell me, so you danced with me instead. I’ll probably never know, because I never plan on asking.

Back to the song at hand! The first time I heard Thinking Out Loud, my first thought was of a slow dance. The song is just perfect for it. And the video fits perfectly. I started daydreaming about us maybe dancing to this one day, just in a living room or possibly another dance. One of the many daydreams I have that will probably never happen. But I wish, god do I wish. Maybe one day I’ll just be so fed up I’ll just confess everything to you. Probably won’t happen, because I’m so scared of messing up what we have, but thinking of the possibilities is fun.

Like last weekend in the corn maze. Only people left in it and the crazy thought crossed my mind to tap you on the shoulder and kiss you, cheek or lips, wasn’t sure. But the rational side of me woke up and told me it was a dumb idea and I could screw everything up.

Maybe one day I’ll get over the fear.

For now, I’ll keep making up scenarios and remembering the moments we have had, however insignificant to you they may have been. But then again, I’ve always read too much into things…right?

“People fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand. Well me I fall in love with you every single day, and I just want to tell you I am…Maybe we found love right where we are”

Hello End of the Year Funk

Well, close to the end of another school year. How quickly it goes by and I wish it would just all slow down.

Like tonight. I took a break from studying to go up and visit some friends, since I figured they wouldn’t be doing much, just hanging out. They were, so I spent 2.5 hours up there, watching them play League of Legends, not understanding a word they’re saying, reading my book and just enjoying being with them because I really haven’t seen them much at all this semester. It felt nice.

Nights like these I don’t want to leave. Because I know here, I have people around me that accept I’m quiet and know I’ll sit there and laugh while they play games, but also interact when they aren’t off in LoL land. I know they like me. They’re safe. These are also the friends that I hung out with half of spring semester last year and got really close to, so I had the same problem last year. I’m terrified of moving off campus and loosing this connection I have with them, just because we won’t be living across campus or two floors away from each other. It’s scary. Because I love them to death.

Just thoughts from tonight. Growing up is a pain. But it must be done.

Also I woke up to twitter updates from my friend who is very important to me, so I’ve been worried about him all freaking day. It was nice to see him tonight though. But something definitely felt off. We’ll see how it turns out.

“Dreams can come true if believed”

A year ago I went to my first open mic night on my campus, at the urging of some friends, and because a good friend was performing. (The song he performed contains the title of this post.)

Point is: I just went to the last open mic of the year and it got me thinking about this past year and how much has changed. Mostly all in good ways. But this will probably (definitely) end up as an open letter. About him. Go figure.

This past year has been absolutely amazing and I have loved every second of it. Honestly, I’m going to miss this dorm room and my roommate from this year, because she’s one of the most awesome people ever.

And then there’s him. I can’t help but feel all I’ve done is fall even more in love with him (I’ve given in to the fact that I love him, what else could it be?) because he’s always on my mind and every second I start to feel like I’m getting over him, he appears and I fall right back down that rabbit hole. Every time I hear a song that we’ve sang together in his car, at the top of our lungs, any time I listen to the secret playlist I have of music he’s sang or reminds me of him. It all leads back to him in a way I feel.

Everytime I hear a guitar strumming softly, hear the clanking of his bag as he enters or leaves the dorm, going up to his room or leaving, the sound of a longboard hitting the pavement as I wander campus. Heck, the sound of a longboard going by. I hope every time that it’s him, and I can’t find a way for me to let go and move on. I just keep getting sucked back in.

I mean, yes I would love if something happened between us one day, maybe that’s what keeps me hanging on, that tiny ember of hope, but it’s not fair to anyone around me. I feel like everyone knows, possibly even him, just no one says anything. So I keep waiting. For nothing it seems. So why?

Just thoughts from tonight thinking about the year that’s passed and all the crazy things that have happened.

Growing Up Is Scary

Just in case you didn’t know.

I’m currently trying to find an apartment, land an internship, and figure out what I want to do with my chosen major. So yeah, it’s starting to get to me. I feel like I’m constantly getting asked, “What’s next?” and all I want to reply with is, “Sleep.” But no one wants that to be the answer.

Every time someone decides to not ask a question about the above, it’s about what I’m doing in school, which currently is a ton of projects since it’s near the end of the semester and all. I’m just trying to get everything done so I can get to summer and focus on other, more fun, things.

When I do stop to think about my future, I get scared and try to distract myself. But it’s always looming. I just don’t know at this point. I hope I get the internship so that I have a better idea of what I want to do with my life, but if I don’t, I don’t know what I’ll do over the summer honestly.

Hopefully I’ll figure it all out in time. And that pieces fall correctly.

Journeys

Have you ever bought something that seemed like nothing, yet when you look back on the circumstances surrounding the purchase, you suddenly find a meaning for it? That happened to me the other day.

The necklace pictured above was bought at the end of my first semester of college. At the time, it was just a cute necklace I found at the local coffee shop while I was there studying for finals. A little Christmas present for myself. I still wear it everyday, and receive lots of compliments on it.

The other day I was with some friends and we were talking about our college experiences so far, and I suddenly realized that my life went up hill soon after I purchased this necklace. I met the wonderful people I am still friends with now, even though I lost contact with a lot of the friends I made first semester because we never made attempts to interact outside of the organization we all met in. However, with the friends I have now, we see each other all the time, and even when we didn’t all live in the same building, I still made the effort to walk across campus and see them, even if it was raining or 9:00 at night.

The point is, the necklace is of a ship’s wheel with an anchor in the middle of it. Ship wheels are used occasionally to show a journey beginning, going out to sea and exploring the world. The anchor representing staying true to your beliefs and morals as you explore this new life and new-found adventure.

Since I began college, I have become more outgoing, doing things I never did in high school. I’m no longer as strict in when I go to bed and do homework; if I want to go out to IHOP at midnight with friends and I’m not too tired, you bet I’m going to go. I’ve broken out of my shell and will act more myself around people, and have accepted that some people may not like me, too bad for them, because I’m a pretty awesome person, if I do say so myself.

Even with all the new freedom, I still stay grounded. I have yet to be pressured into something I didn’t want to do, though people have tried. I still do all my homework and go to bed at a semi-reasonable hour.

I’m still me. Just a shinier version. This ship is going to keep on sailing towards new horizons and discovering new lands and treasures.