Ramblings

What is this feeling?

I’m so completely and utterly terrified of how I feel about him and to screw it all up. Because I have never felt this way about anyone ever before. I haven’t even told him, but he knows. I know he does. I just don’t know when to say it; I’m such a stickler for the perfect moment that I want it to be the best possible moment when neither of us are stressed or worried about something else, which means it could continue to be months from now. Or, you know, I’ll sleepily mumble it one night when I’m at his place and falling asleep in his arms.

I just don’t want to screw this up, and I want to show him that I’ll put him first and what he needs first, just to make him happy and to make sure he knows he’s loved by me.

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Open Letters, Ramblings

Thinking Out Loud

I totally blame Ed Sheeran for the cause of this post. He released his video for Thinking Out Loud today and it’s just so beautifully shot, so fitting for such a beautiful song.

So today I’ve been thinking about our dance. The only slow dance I’ve ever had actually. But darn it, it was so worth the wait. “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” came on, you were heading to sit down, and my thought was, “I may never get this chance again, why the hell not. Ask him to dance idiot.” So I marched over to you, bowed and asked you for that dance. Much to my surprise, you accepted, took my hand, and followed me onto the floor. And we danced. The proper way, with your hand on my waist and holding my other hand. Talking and just being there, in that moment, with each other. I still treasure that memory, and those photos that were taken, especially the one where I’m smiling at you like you’re the best thing on this planet.

I don’t know if it’ll ever happen again. Maybe it was just a random coincidence that you said yes. Maybe you liked me, but couldn’t tell me, so you danced with me instead. I’ll probably never know, because I never plan on asking.

Back to the song at hand! The first time I heard Thinking Out Loud, my first thought was of a slow dance. The song is just perfect for it. And the video fits perfectly. I started daydreaming about us maybe dancing to this one day, just in a living room or possibly another dance. One of the many daydreams I have that will probably never happen. But I wish, god do I wish. Maybe one day I’ll just be so fed up I’ll just confess everything to you. Probably won’t happen, because I’m so scared of messing up what we have, but thinking of the possibilities is fun.

Like last weekend in the corn maze. Only people left in it and the crazy thought crossed my mind to tap you on the shoulder and kiss you, cheek or lips, wasn’t sure. But the rational side of me woke up and told me it was a dumb idea and I could screw everything up.

Maybe one day I’ll get over the fear.

For now, I’ll keep making up scenarios and remembering the moments we have had, however insignificant to you they may have been. But then again, I’ve always read too much into things…right?

“People fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand. Well me I fall in love with you every single day, and I just want to tell you I am…Maybe we found love right where we are”

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Open Letters, Ramblings

Happy

That’s what you seem now. I have never seen you happier.

I really hope it’s not all an act or cover up. But I don’t think it is. It’s too genuine.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep pursuing your dream of becoming an actor. You have people behind you supporting you every step of the way. All the ups and downs. Every audition. Every role. No matter how small.

I know I’ll always be there supporting you. I’m so proud of you. Always and forever.

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Open Letters, Writings

Are Titles Good?

Or labels, or anything defining us to a certain group or making us feel a certain way?

Because sometimes they make us feel like nothing.

Because really, what is “normal”? Something made up by society so we don’t feel like we’ll ever fit in, ever? Was there ever a normal?

I don’t know, but I wish all labels would just disappear, they just make life difficult.

That was kind of a lead in for the rest of this, but all are things to consider.

I know about your, well let’s just call it a blog. I guess that’s what it’s like to you. A place for you to vent, where no one you know will see it. But I know about it.

What do I have to do to get it through your head how important you are to me? If I have to straight up tell you I will, even though I’m terrified that it’ll push you away from me.

The other night when we were out and you were so happy that you “did this. I brought all these people together to have fun and eat,” god, I was so proud of you for discovering how important you were to people and that people like being around you. Seeing you smile and laugh and acknowledge that fact was so nice, it made me so happy to see you that way.

And then this post. One day, hopefully not too late, I will tell you that you are the only person that cheers me up when I’m having a bad day, how important you are to me, that I’m with you through whatever, that I will support you til the end. One day.

For now I’ll just keep being here for you when you need me and being a friend. Maybe one day you’ll know.

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Ramblings

Almost

I almost told you everything last night. That I love you, that I worry about you, that you’re one of the most important people in my life. Almost.

Seeing you so happy, the happiest I’ve seen you in a while, just because you brought together a group of people to go out to eat together. The fact that that made you so happy, made me happy. I just wanted to hug you and tell you that you’re awesome.

Especially when you were there for a mutual friend with me when she really needed people to talk to. Seeing you in that situation just made me love and respect you even more, seeing how you handled it.

I almost told you everything because your energy is infectious and seeing you happy makes me very happy.

Almost. If I’m not careful, one day it will all just slip out in a breath, or I’ll say it louder than I mean too under my breath and you’ll hear me accidentally. Or maybe I’ll link you to this blog, so you can read everything I’ve written about you.

Maybe. Almost. So many words, but none definite.

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