Open Letters, Ramblings

Thinking Out Loud

I totally blame Ed Sheeran for the cause of this post. He released his video for Thinking Out Loud today and it’s just so beautifully shot, so fitting for such a beautiful song.

So today I’ve been thinking about our dance. The only slow dance I’ve ever had actually. But darn it, it was so worth the wait. “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” came on, you were heading to sit down, and my thought was, “I may never get this chance again, why the hell not. Ask him to dance idiot.” So I marched over to you, bowed and asked you for that dance. Much to my surprise, you accepted, took my hand, and followed me onto the floor. And we danced. The proper way, with your hand on my waist and holding my other hand. Talking and just being there, in that moment, with each other. I still treasure that memory, and those photos that were taken, especially the one where I’m smiling at you like you’re the best thing on this planet.

I don’t know if it’ll ever happen again. Maybe it was just a random coincidence that you said yes. Maybe you liked me, but couldn’t tell me, so you danced with me instead. I’ll probably never know, because I never plan on asking.

Back to the song at hand! The first time I heard Thinking Out Loud, my first thought was of a slow dance. The song is just perfect for it. And the video fits perfectly. I started daydreaming about us maybe dancing to this one day, just in a living room or possibly another dance. One of the many daydreams I have that will probably never happen. But I wish, god do I wish. Maybe one day I’ll just be so fed up I’ll just confess everything to you. Probably won’t happen, because I’m so scared of messing up what we have, but thinking of the possibilities is fun.

Like last weekend in the corn maze. Only people left in it and the crazy thought crossed my mind to tap you on the shoulder and kiss you, cheek or lips, wasn’t sure. But the rational side of me woke up and told me it was a dumb idea and I could screw everything up.

Maybe one day I’ll get over the fear.

For now, I’ll keep making up scenarios and remembering the moments we have had, however insignificant to you they may have been. But then again, I’ve always read too much into things…right?

“People fall in love in mysterious ways, maybe just the touch of a hand. Well me I fall in love with you every single day, and I just want to tell you I am…Maybe we found love right where we are”

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Life, Open Letters, Ramblings, Writings

“Dreams can come true if believed”

A year ago I went to my first open mic night on my campus, at the urging of some friends, and because a good friend was performing. (The song he performed contains the title of this post.)

Point is: I just went to the last open mic of the year and it got me thinking about this past year and how much has changed. Mostly all in good ways. But this will probably (definitely) end up as an open letter. About him. Go figure.

This past year has been absolutely amazing and I have loved every second of it. Honestly, I’m going to miss this dorm room and my roommate from this year, because she’s one of the most awesome people ever.

And then there’s him. I can’t help but feel all I’ve done is fall even more in love with him (I’ve given in to the fact that I love him, what else could it be?) because he’s always on my mind and every second I start to feel like I’m getting over him, he appears and I fall right back down that rabbit hole. Every time I hear a song that we’ve sang together in his car, at the top of our lungs, any time I listen to the secret playlist I have of music he’s sang or reminds me of him. It all leads back to him in a way I feel.

Everytime I hear a guitar strumming softly, hear the clanking of his bag as he enters or leaves the dorm, going up to his room or leaving, the sound of a longboard hitting the pavement as I wander campus. Heck, the sound of a longboard going by. I hope every time that it’s him, and I can’t find a way for me to let go and move on. I just keep getting sucked back in.

I mean, yes I would love if something happened between us one day, maybe that’s what keeps me hanging on, that tiny ember of hope, but it’s not fair to anyone around me. I feel like everyone knows, possibly even him, just no one says anything. So I keep waiting. For nothing it seems. So why?

Just thoughts from tonight thinking about the year that’s passed and all the crazy things that have happened.

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Open Letters, Ramblings

Happy

That’s what you seem now. I have never seen you happier.

I really hope it’s not all an act or cover up. But I don’t think it is. It’s too genuine.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep pursuing your dream of becoming an actor. You have people behind you supporting you every step of the way. All the ups and downs. Every audition. Every role. No matter how small.

I know I’ll always be there supporting you. I’m so proud of you. Always and forever.

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Open Letters, Writings

Are Titles Good?

Or labels, or anything defining us to a certain group or making us feel a certain way?

Because sometimes they make us feel like nothing.

Because really, what is “normal”? Something made up by society so we don’t feel like we’ll ever fit in, ever? Was there ever a normal?

I don’t know, but I wish all labels would just disappear, they just make life difficult.

That was kind of a lead in for the rest of this, but all are things to consider.

I know about your, well let’s just call it a blog. I guess that’s what it’s like to you. A place for you to vent, where no one you know will see it. But I know about it.

What do I have to do to get it through your head how important you are to me? If I have to straight up tell you I will, even though I’m terrified that it’ll push you away from me.

The other night when we were out and you were so happy that you “did this. I brought all these people together to have fun and eat,” god, I was so proud of you for discovering how important you were to people and that people like being around you. Seeing you smile and laugh and acknowledge that fact was so nice, it made me so happy to see you that way.

And then this post. One day, hopefully not too late, I will tell you that you are the only person that cheers me up when I’m having a bad day, how important you are to me, that I’m with you through whatever, that I will support you til the end. One day.

For now I’ll just keep being here for you when you need me and being a friend. Maybe one day you’ll know.

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Open Letters, Ramblings, Writings

I’m 6 Different Kinds of Crazy…

When it comes to you.

Don’t you know by now that I would stay up til 3 am for you to make sure you’re okay, even if I was almost asleep at 11? One text from you and I’m wide awake, wanting to talk, make sure you’re okay, make you laugh possibly, be there for you.

I just worry, because of who you were a year ago. Granted you now and you a year ago are completely different people, but I love the person you are now (and then. Who do you think I fell in love with?) and I just want to make sure you are okay, because of a year ago.

I care about you, I love you, and I just don’t want to lose you.

You’re too important to me to lose you. That’s why it can seem I care too much about you.

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Open Letters

A Letter To You

Dear you,

You are an incredible, awe-inspiring, thoughtful, kind human being. You deserve someone who will love you for all that you are, all that you have been, and all that you will be.

So why is it that I love you, even though I can’t be that person for you right now?

Because you are all of the above and so much more. You make me smile just by being in my presence, even if for a second, you are the one who makes my day better. I don’t know how you do it.

You deserve someone who is just as amazing and unique as you are. Someone who will care for you before themselves, someone who puts you first and will always be there for you. Someone who will laugh with you and all your dumb little jokes. Someone who understands and accepts you and your past, for all that it is, the good and the bad. Sees how it shaped the wonderful person you are today.

Someone who will lay with you and watch dumb, random movies or shows you find that you think both of you would enjoy. Someone who puts up with how much you are on your computer; heck, someone who will sit with you in the same room on their computer at the same time. Someone who will join in when you need a dance party, even at 2 a.m. Someone who will meet you at Steak ‘n Shake at 3 a.m. when life has you down and you just need someone there.

Someone who will smile at you while you play around on the guitar, absentmindedly plucking the strings and coming up with your own melodies and singing nonsense words. Maybe they’ll even join in with their own lyrics. Someone who will sit with you in silence, silence so peaceful you don’t mind having them there. Someone who is always there. Someone who has you on their mind all the time and sends you (what they think are) funny texts, just to try to make you smile throughout the day.

Someone who sticks around when things get rough, doesn’t run away or tries to avoid you. Someone who will be there to hold you when you cry, even if you don’t want them to be, holding you tighter when you start to scream and hit them. Someone who sees through the mask you put on for the rest of the world.

Someone who understands.

Someone who makes you feel comfortable.

Someone who makes you not as scared to face the world.

Someone who is as wonderful as you.

Someone who makes you truly happy.

Someone who is not me (for now).

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